The Truth – The Whole Truth – And Nothing But The Cheeseburger
Michael Gray reports from the bar
Let It Rock, June 1975
Truth is stranger than rock-opera
filmscripts. You probably thought the golden days of desiccated manic
magistrates gaoling Rolling Stones, and judges incongruously poking their way
through OZ and IT obscenity trials were long since over. The
recent Zappa case says different. He was suing the Royal Albert Hall for banning
his 200 Motels promotion concert four years back – when he stood in the
witness box, you'd have thought he was on trial for obscenity. Smelling strongly
of deja vu, the following is an accurate transcript of part of what took
place in Court No. 7, The Law Courts, The Strand, April 1975:
Act One: Tuesday Afternoon April
15th:
FZ: Do you know what a score is?
QC: I know what a score is but you must
assume we know almost nothing.
FZ: It's the musical equivalent of a
recipe. It lists all the ingredients.
QC: Er, thank you ... And what are
social games?
FZ: Social games are a sophisticated
social charade (pron. charaid)...
Judge: ... Charade! (pron. Charard).
QC: ... Would you not say that any young
woman who seeks to contact a member of a rock and roll group in order to procure
sexual intercourse – that such a young woman is in a very sorry state?
FZ: Er, no. I would not.
QC: I don't think you can have heard the
question. I will repeat it...
Act Two: Wednesday Morning April
16th:
QC: Now. 'Lonesome Cowboy Bert'. This
cowboy, Bert, is saying that he wants to have sexual intercourse with a
waitress. Is it not? (Long wrangle about original and amended versions of the
lyrics. FZ finally concedes that such might possibly be a summary of Lonesome
Cowboy Bert's intention. QC mutters "It's like extracting teeth" under his
breath. FZ explains that the song illustrates Bert's character, which is not the
same as approving of it, and that the phrase 'You can sit on my face' was taken
from the actual bar-room graffiti seen in the sort of bar a Lonesome Cowboy Bert
would frequent.
Judge: Did he say 'perfidy'?
QC: No, 'graffiti', m'lud.
Judge: Ah.
QC: Now. 'Would You Go All The Way'.
That means having sex, does it not?
FZ: It is an expression that was used in
America in the 1950s to mean having sex. It is an archaic expression, intended
for laughs.
QC: Well whatever its intention, that's
what it means. Now, m'lud, I turn to 'She's Painting Her Face' . . . (reads
through the lyric aloud, finding double-entendres everywhere, and even reading
the line "to break her pants in" as "to break her parts in". Instead of
apologising, retorts that "Once one starts reading this kind of script, one
finds oneself making these mistakes.") ... Now this next song...
FZ: It's about unhappiness.
QC: Hm, well be that as it may, do you
not consider it objectionable for boys and girls of fourteen to hear this song?
FZ: No.
QC: Twelve?
FZ: No.
QC: Eleven?
FZ: No.
QC: Nine?
IT: That could be problematical... Your
attempt is to direct all my lyrics into a sexual meaning, which is neither fair
nor accurate.
QC: What does 'pussy' mean? The pubic hair surrounding
female private parts?
FZ: In the part of America that I come from, it means the
private parts themselves ...
(QC then asks about the two newts in the nightclub in
another song:)
QC: Are you sure that "newts" just means newts? That there
is nothing at all suggestive about that?
FZ: Anyone who is disturbed by the idea of newts in a
nightclub is potentially dangerous.
Act Three: Wednesday Afternoon April 16th
QC: What age group did the Mothers of Invention aim at in
1971?
FZ: I write my music for anyone of any age; but people in a
younger age bracket are more disposed to buying albums and concert tickets.
QC: Sir Louis Gluckstein of the Royal Albert Hall, a man of
considerable eminence, has said that you write "filth for filth's sake". What is
your response to that?
FZ: My only response to that is that if I were in his
position, I would not make an irrational statement like that.
Read by OCR software. If you spot errors, let me know afka (at) afka.net
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